From my journal entries… Today I had my last chemo-radiation treatment for cancer! After my diagnosis of pancreatic cancer in April 2017, the chemo regimen began in early May through end of June; then there were the 28 radiation treatments plus chemo by pill from early July until today, August 11. The treatments have taken their toll, as they should, with the main effects being fatigue and loss of appetite. Scans and surgery await next month…
I’m thinking that I should have gained some deep theological insight in order to show the positive spiritual impact of this trial; something that would produce awe and wonder because of its depth and profundity. Unfortunately, nothing… Nada…zilch. I just want to sleep and forget all of this. I just want to be back to normal and yet I know that I will never be normal again. This mortal life will have changed forever and I will be living on the edge of eternity…
I should be feeling stronger everyday as I prepare for surgery mid-September, but I’m feeling worse and worse. I have spiked a fever of 103F and we are heading to the ER. I will now spend 5 days in the hospital while the doctors figure out that I have a liver infection most likely caused by all of the poison I have taken into my system through my treatments. They lance the infection and determine the bacteria and send me home with drainage tubes and instructions for my wife to push the antibiotic through me every day using my port and draining my Liver drain. All of this will delay surgery until mid- October…
The infection has been dealt with and I am cleared for surgery. The doctor wants me to gain weight in order to prepare for surgery scheduled for October 18, my oldest daughter’s birthday. It’s ironic that I have spent most of my adult life trying to lose weight; now I have orders to gain it… I feel good for the first time in 5 months. Can’t I continue like this? No, you wuss- you have cancer inside of you and it needs to come out and the only way is through the knife…
The day of surgery arrives and I scrub myself down before we head to the hospital. Will I return to sleep in my bed again or will this be it? My son and his wife are there to meet us before they go to work. Hugs all around. We are ushered into a small cubicle and the curtain is drawn while I scrub down again and put on my gown and my street clothes in plastic bags. My brother-in-law and another couple show up and pray with Gloria and me. The anesthesiologist comes in and explains things and starts an IV. I say good bye as they wheel me out and I don’t remember anymore. Some friends came and sat with Gloria in the waiting room and …wait.
Ten or more hours later I wake up in ICU and see my son’s face with a smile on it. I am clear-headed enough to ask if they had to replace the portal vein. They report the surgery went well and that I should rest. I am parched but not allowed to have water. However, my wife gives me ice chips. I crave more and more, even at night when I am alone I constantly suck on ice chips…
A week later I am home, sutures still in and eating very little. I develop a blood clot in the leg from which they took a vein for the resection of the portal vein. I am put on blood thinner which I have to self inject every morning and evening. Together with my daily insulin injection, my tummy looks like a war zone of black and blue marks. I am also wearing a compression stocking and keeping my leg elevated…
My sutures are now out but still a little sore at the incision site. My leg is still swollen. I am trying to exercise but I have little stamina. I cannot sleep at night for more than 2-3 hrs at a time. Awake usually between 3-5 am to have some tea and bowl of oatmeal and have my devotions after I take my blood sugar reading and take my insulin and blood thinner. Then I dose from 5-8 am…
I am still trying to figure out my diet since 18 inches of my small intestine has been removed as well as a portion of my stomach and my gall bladder. I have lots of gas (you probably did not need to know that) and have just been prescribed with enzyme pills to help me in my digestion…
I just went to the oncologist who wants me to have 6 more chemo treatments. I was initially disappointed… Although they believe they got the cancer and the lymph nodes are clean, this chemo is part of the protocol. The doc explained that unlike the six hour sessions that I had before, these will be once a week for 1/2 hr, with a week off between session 3 and 4. We will start in Dec and finish the end of January so hopefully I can still work…
Here I am, it’s December 20 and I am sitting in an oncology unit at the hospital while chemo is being infused through my port. I feel it; my fingers are already tingling and I’m a bit chilled. It is over and I drive myself home.
And so the story continues and the questions remain. They think they got it all, but who knows. How long do I really have? God alone knows. What I do know with certainty, and this is my de profundis, that there has not been one millisecond of time throughout all of this in which God has not been present- he is the great Emmanuel! I have never felt nor have I once believed that I am being punished for past sins. And this certainty has translated itself into a fearless dependency that can honestly proclaim “for me to live is Christ and to die gain.”
One more thought in reference to the well-meaning way people have responded to my situation. These responses have ranged all the way from thinking I’m some kind of hero to feeling sorry for me. I can honestly respond by saying: “Don’t think I am some kind of hero or saint for going through this. I am still very much a sinner relying on the grace of God and the work of Christ to save me. And don’t feel sorry for me. I would rather be going through this than facing the issues you are facing. The real issue for both of us is that we are trusting in our Heavenly Father and are convinced that nothing comes to us which has not first passed through our Father’s hand.”
Just A Thought 