Looking for a New Job?

I couldn’t resist this. Sorry… 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching, but I couldn’t make the grade.

I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist, but everyone’s problems drove me crazy.

 I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

 I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I worked a long time as a doctor.  I gave it my best shot, but didn’t have enough patients.

 Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.   

The Energizer Battery Company hired me, but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going…

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but I had no outlets on the weekends I was off.

I was a gardener for a while, but I didn’t grow with the job even though I was raking in the money.

My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke. 

I even tried to become an astronaut, but I would often space out during training.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I even tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I trained to become a professional wild turkey caller, but my job got gobbled up by the recession.

Finally, I became a pastor and loved it. Unfortunately, I was transferred to a church in Berlin and became a German Shepherd.

Now I am retired but work part-time as a meteorologist because my joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. I live in a retirement community where all my secrets are safe with my friends because they can’t remember them.

Hope you find a good job sooner than I did.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! (gobble gobble)

Clever Quips, Quotes, and Smore…

I like to collect clever quips, quotes, and statistics. Here are some for your enjoyment:

“USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.” (David Letterman) “The trouble with a rat race is that even when you win, you’re still a rat.” (Lily Tomlin) “Committee – a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.” (Fred Allen) “When the path ahead of you is uphill, surrounded by rough spots, hazards and obstacles: use a pitching wedge.” (Lee Brachen) “If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?” (think about that and say Amen!)

“It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalm 46, the 46th word from the first word is “shake”and the 46th word from the last word is spear.” (hmm) “A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.” (Dave Berry, on how statistics can be used to prove anything)

“I know statistically if you don’t get married, you’re less likely to get divorced.” (Craig Ferguson) “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” (unknown) “Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?” (anonymous) “If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?” (anonymous)

“I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” (Woody Allen) “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” (Groucho Marx) “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. (Paula Poundstone) “What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?” (George Carlin)

Finally some anonymous ones:

“The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.” “Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.” “Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.” “Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy”! “Jesus loves you, it’s everyone else who thinks your an idiot.” “Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.” “How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.” “Sometimes I just want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, and wait for someone to open it and yell ‘Welcome to Narnia!'”

Finally (this time I mean it), in honor of Valentines Day:

“I looked in my wallet and it was empty. I looked in my pockets and they were empty. Then I looked in my heart and found you, and realized that you had taken all my money.” “People say you can’t live without love. But I think oxygen is more important.” “Isn’t it ironic that we have Valentines Day at the height of flu season?”  “Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question, you have no choice- we’re married.”  “Love one another as I have loved you.” (Jesus) “We love because he first loved us.” (St John)

 

 

 

 

A Fresh Twist to Some Old Proverbs…

Last weekend my wife and I spent some time with three of our grandkids at their home in New Hampshire. They are so special, as are all of my grandchildren. Their energy (whew!), ideas and humor were refreshing, and a great affirmation that their parents are doing a wonderful job in raising them. Speaking of humor, I found this little excercise where a first grade teacher (supposedly) collected well-known sayings. She gave each child in her class the first half then asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Cover up the right side of the following list as you complete the saying on the left; then compare your response to what the kids had to say. Enjoy…

Better to be safe than………………..punch a 5th grader
Strike while the …………………….bug is close
It’s always darkest before…………… daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of……….termites
You can lead a horse to water but……..how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………….. looks dirty
No news is…………………………..impossible
A miss is as good as a……………….mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………math
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Love all, trust……………………..me
The pen is mightier than the…………..pigs
An idle mind is……………………..the best way to relax
Where there’s smoke there’s……………pollution
Happy the bride who…………………..gets all the presents
A penny saved is……………………..not much
Two’s company, three’s………………..the musketeers
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…….you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as………………….Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not………..spanked or grounded
If at first you don’t succeed………….get new batteries
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind……….get out of the way

And the favorite:

Better late than…………………….pregnant.

Speaking of Daylight Savings Time, don’t forget to turn your clocks forward one hour this Sunday. Also, I would appreciate your prayers this week as I am driving with 14 football players from Wheaton College to Selma, Alabama on a missions project trip over spring break. We are leaving this Saturday, which is the 50th anniversary of “Bloody Sunday”; the day 600 African-Americans were attacked as they walked across the Edmund Pettis Bridge in defiance of segregationist repression of their right to vote. We will be there!

Last Minute Hints For Valentine’s Day…

Many of you, unlike me, are totally unprepared for Valentine’s Day (tomorrow). So I am re-posting and updating an earlier blog just in time to give you some ideas of what you can get your sweetheart before they even know you forgot. (You folks in Australia are on your own because Valentine’s Day is already upon you.) Anyway, I have organized my gift ideas according to the stage of relationship you happen to be in with your sweetie. Here goes- you may want to print this out as a valuable resource to be passed on to your children and grandchildren:

Pursuing a crush: Maybe there is someone at work, school, or at church whom you like and want them to know that you think they are special. Why don’t you gift wrap a slightly roasted marshmallow (one of those big ones; white for a guy, pink for a girl). Include with the gift an invitation to a campfire meal finished off by making s’mores. Girls, a guy will be so impressed that you know how to make a campfire; and guys, a girl will be so impressed you know how to make something so extravagent. (Hint: wait till the weather gets above zero before the date.)

You are dating but have not yet DTR: Perhaps you have not yet “defined the relationship” and so you want to keep the gifts casual, but useful. For a guy, get him a sock. Yep, a sock. He’ll love it and will no doubt already have a match for it as he scrounges around in his sock-drawer. He will see all those single socks and will suddenly be struck by the fact that he is single and he may have found his match right there in his hand. (God did a similar thing with Adam using socks with animals on them to wake the guy up to the fact that he was alone- er, something like that.) Trust me, it works all the time. For a girl, get her a DIY cupcake paper planter kit from uncommongoods.com. It’s only $15 and it is actually made of concrete so it is easy to carry in her purse. It also comes with potting soil and sunflower seeds. She will love it and it is guaranteed to define the relationship.

You are a couple now: It is public and all over social media that you two are an item, so now you are ready for more specifically romantic gifting. Every guy loves music, even if he can’t sing, so buy him a capo (short for capotasto, which means linguini). A capo that’s the thingy which goes on the neck of a guitar in order shorten the playable length of the strings and therefore raise the pitch. However, it doesn’t matter whether your guy plays the guitar or not; every guy needs a capo. Besides, you can subtly start your attempt to change him into a more cultured person. Guys, every girl loves jewelry (except my wife), so get her a shark-tooth necklace. These are so cool. You can get one from jawsandpaws.net for only $39 and it comes with a little lip balm container attached (clam flavor) so her lips will always be kissably soft.

It’s been more than a year now and you are waiting for the ring: OK, this is the time for a strategic gift. Remember the sock, girls? Well, buy a really nice pair of leather gloves for your guy, but only give him one and you keep the other one. Guys are very relationally astute and your guy will get the clear message that when you get the ring he gets the other glove. It is not manipulatory at all, it is biblically symbolic (?). Guys, if your girl is dragging her feet about getting engaged, my suggestion for a gift will definitely push her over the edge. Give her a Nordstrom cubic zirconia nose ring which can be ordered at Nordstrom.com for only $46. Give it to her in a little ring box. This is where you need to be very observant guys; if she looks disappointed or has that questioning look at all, it is time to go ring shopping. If she likes the gift and looks relieved, dump her. I am speaking from a vast experience of dealing with lots of women; well, actually only one.

You are newlyweds: Get your guy a pocket knife. Every guy needs a pocket knife so he can come to the rescue of people who on a daily basis ask, “does anyone here have a pocket knife”? For him to say, “I do” will help rewire his brain to be a good provider. However, it will also remind him daily of his covenantal marriage vows and that if he ever forgets them you will use the pocket knife on him. And for your beautiful young bride, think through the things you didn’t get as wedding gifts for the kitchen and buy her something she would love. Perhaps an electric toaster, or a Joroushi electric bread maker, or if she needs a place to sit while she reads gourmet menus you can buy her an electric chair. You can get a refurbished one at prisonwarden.org for only $150; certainly worth the price.

A veteran couple: You are in this for the long haul and you want something special for that incredible person who is willing to sacrifice his/her life to be married to you. You have to give it some thought- especially you guys. A couple of minutes the night before Valentine’s Day doesn’t cut it. It won’t give you the time needed to think creatively and sensitively. You need to start at least two hours the night before and be willing to commit at least a focused span of 5 minutes, which by the way is more than a lifetime of a gnat- or so I’m told. For her, especially for these cold nights, let me suggest a New England Patriot (Super Bowl Champs!) flannel night shirt to replace your old football jersey that she’s been wearing since Ron Paul was a first-time candidate for president; only $44.95 at nfl.com. And for him; this is an amazing suggestion ladies- get him a pair of cherry red one-piece flannel pajamas with feet. Yep! The kind with a drop-seat- O yeah! And if he gives you any gas about why there’s a flap in the back and nothing in the front, tell him that if he is smart enough to have married you, he’ll be able to figure it out. You can get those at Land’s End (no pun intended) for $22.99.

I hope that my pastoral insights have been helpful to you. Let me know if you need counseling.

Word Play…Puns and S’more

I love language and the way our brains process the words we use. God has given both to us so that we can learn, communicate, and laugh! If English is not your first language, you may have trouble with some of these. However, they may also help you learn the language better:

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do they do with chemists when they die? They barium.

Jokes about German food are the wurst.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He thinks he can stop at any time.

I knew a girl who was so cross-eyed that when she cried tears ran down her back. They claimed she had bacteria.

I stayed up all night last night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I had never seen herbivore.

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

People die all the time; then I realized I could wake up dead tomorrow!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, you know urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then all of a sudden it hit me!

My pastor is a vast suppository of theological knowledge. (Note the malapropism?)

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro- what a rip off!

My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Maybe s’more next week…

It’s Not Too Late to Get a Gift for Your Valentine…

Many of you, unlike me, are totally unprepared for Valentine’s Day. So I am posting my blog early to give you some ideas of what you can get your sweetheart before they even know you forgot. You folks in Australia are on your own because Valentine’s Day is just about over. Anyway, I have organized my gift ideas according to the stage of relationship you happen to be in with your sweetie. Here goes- you may want to print this out as a valuable resource to be passed on to your children and grandchildren:

Pursuing a crush: Maybe there is someone at work, school, or at church whom you like and want them to know that you think they are special. Why don’t you gift wrap a slightly roasted marshmallow (one of those big ones; white for a guy, pink for a girl). Include with the gift an invitation to a campfire meal finished off by making s’mores. Girls, a guy will be so impressed that you know how to make a campfire; and guys, a girl will be so impressed you know how to make something complex like a s’more. (Hint: wait till the weather gets above zero before the date.)

You are dating but have not yet DTR: Perhaps you have not yet “defined the relationship” and so you want to keep the gifts casual, but useful. For a guy, get him a sock. Yep, a sock. He’ll love it and will no doubt already have a match for it as he scrounges around in his sock-drawer. He will see all those single socks and will suddenly be struck by the fact that he is single and he may have found his match right there in his hand. Trust me, it works all the time. For a girl, get her a DIY cupcake paper planter kit from uncommongoods.com. It’s only $15 and it is actually made of concrete so it is easy to carry in her purse. It also comes with potting soil and sunflower seeds. She will love it and it is guaranteed to define the relationship.

You are a couple now: It is public and all over social media that you two are an item, so now you are ready for more specifically romantic gifting. Every guy loves music, even if he can’t sing, so buy him a capo (short for capotasto); that’s the thingy which goes on the neck of a guitar in order shorten the playable length of the strings and therefore raise the pitch. Ask our worship pastor Bill about capos; he’s really good at using them. However, it doesn’t matter whether your guy plays the guitar or not; every guy needs a capo. Besides, you can subtly start your attempt to change him into a more cultured person. Guys, every girl loves jewelry (except my wife), so get her a shark-tooth necklace. These are so cool. You can get one from jawsandpaws.net for only $39 and it comes with a little lip balm container attached (clam flavor) so her lips will always be kissably soft.

It’s been more than a year now and you are waiting for the ring: OK, this is the time for a strategic gift. Remember the sock, girls? Well, buy a really nice pair of leather gloves for your guy, but only give him one and you keep the other one. Guys are very relationally astute and your guy will get the clear message that when you get the ring he gets the other glove. It is not manipulatory at all, it is very symbolic. Guys, if your girl is dragging her feet about getting engaged, my suggestion for a gift will definitely push her over the edge. Give her a Nordstrom cubic zirconia nose ring which can be ordered at Nordstrom.com for only $46. Give it to her in a little ring box. This is where you need to be very observant guys; if she looks disappointed or has that questioning look at all, it is time to go ring shopping. If she likes the gift and looks relieved, dump her. I am speaking from a vast experience of dealing with lots of women; well, actually only one.

You are newlyweds: Get your guy a pocket knife. Every guy needs a pocket knife so he can come to the rescue of people who on a daily basis ask, “does anyone here have a pocket knife”? For him to say, “I do” will gain him more respect. However, it will also remind him daily of his marriage vows and that if he ever forgets them you will use the pocket knife on him. And for your beautiful young bride, think through the things you didn’t get as wedding gifts for the kitchen and buy her something she would love. Perhaps an electric toaster, or a Joroushi electric bread maker, or if she needs a place to sit while she reads gourmet menus you can buy her an electric chair. You can get a refurbished one at prisonwarden.org for only $150; certainly worth the price.

A veteran couple: You are in this for the long haul and you want something special for that incredible person who is willing to sacrifice his/her life to be married to you. You have to give it some thought- especially you guys. A couple of minutes the night before Valentine’s Day doesn’t cut it. It won’t give you the time needed to think creatively and sensitively. You need to start at least two days before and be willing to commit at least a focused span of 5 minutes, which by the way is more than a lifetime of a gnat- or so I’m told. For her, especially for these cold nights, let me suggest a candy-striped flannel night shirt to replace your old football jersey that she’s been wearing since Ron Paul was a first-time candidate for president; only $44.95 at gap.com. And for him; this is an amazing suggestion ladies- get him a pair of cherry red one-piece flannel pajamas with feet. Yep! The kind with a drop-seat- O yeah! And if he gives you any gas about why there’s a flap in the back and nothing in the front, tell him that he is so smart that you know he will be able to figure it out. You can get those at Land’s End (no pun intended) for $22.99.

I hope that my pastoral insights have been helpful to you. Let me know if you need counseling.

Why?

This is going to be a busy weekend because it is my 105th class reunion from Wheaton College. I am looking forward to having about 20 of my old football buddies (and their wives) at my house on Saturday for doing up some “bangers on the barbie”- that’s Australian for a cookout. I spent some money reinforcing my deck so it will hold all that weight (not their wives). Then on Tuesday, I fly to Ethiopia for a week with Compassion International. All of that said, whenever I get overwhelmed with things I usually take them to the mat with God – that’s wrestling lingo for earnest prayer (Phil. 4:6, 7). And then I take a little time to just let my mind wander and my thoughts wonder about the mysteries of the universe. I would like to share with you some of the enigmas I have been contemplating lately; perhaps you have a few more you could share with me.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it impossible to swallow and spit at the same time?
Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance? (Especially Ethiopian airplanes)
Why does God love someone like me?

Just a few thoughts- I guess you can tell its Friday.

A Little Girl’s History of the Bible

I hope you enjoy this – the history of the Bible written by a little girl: “In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Able.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important person was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: ‘Humor thy father and thy mother.’

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spy glasses. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and made a fence fell over on the town. Joshus led his people to fight off the Aminites, the Kanenites, the Parisites, and the Moskeetobites. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a rock and got into big trouble kissing somebody named after a bath tub. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. He probably smelled like my little brother. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’) During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man and the sun of God. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead because his wife told him to. Anyway’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. When he comes he will raise up those people who are dead but really quick. That doesn’t make sense to me and there are lots of other confusing things in the book of Revolution.”

Funny Headlines

I like reading newspaper headlines. They cleverly give you the gist of what the article is about and then, at the same time, entice you to read it. For example, in yesterday’s Chicago Tribune were the following: “Emmanuel [mayor] Pulls Plug on Energy Plan”; “Parents Pluck Apples from Kid’s Wish List.” You can probably guess that the first had to do with the Chicago’s electricity rates and the second referred to parents cutting back on expensive Christmas gifts for their children this year— did you know that 48% of 6-12 year olds want an Apple iPad for Christmas? However, sometimes headlines have a life of their own. Here are some actual headlines which leave one wondering “did they really mean to say that? Enjoy…

Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to take Poison

Parents Include Children When Baking Cookies

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons